i'm not a psychologist, but i have spent my fair share of time in a therapists office. i have been a part of various types of relationships and have observed even more.

do you want to know what i have learned?

no relationship is perfect. why? because we aren't perfect. 

do you want to know what else i have learned?

unless you are in the relationship it is very difficult to understand the intricacies of what is going on behind closed doors. 

relationships are complex, often confusing, and alive. we often try to categorize relationships as "oh they have a good relationship" or "oh, they really shouldn't be together." i could go on, but you know what i mean. we often make these assumptions off of very little information that we have. someone is happy, therefore things must be good at home or someone complains about their spouse (they must have married a jerk). when it very well could be, that someone is really good at covering up how they are really feeling and things are horrible at home and the person married to the "jerk", might in fact be the bigger one. you really never know.

what i am trying to get at with this is it is often hard to determine whether someone or even ourselves has a relationship with food that is actually good (healthy in it's true sense) for us.

often times we see a thin person and automatically attribute that to health and vise versa.

the skinniest time of my life was the most unhealthy i have ever been. i was in a bad relationship, was completely stressed out. anything i ate made me sick and so i seldom ate. when i did it was usually candy and coke or dr. pepper. did i feel good about my body? heck yeah, but i was so unhealthy and the relationship that i had with food was horrible. i used it. i controlled it. i abused it. i got energy from caffeine and satisfaction from sugar. i used food (if you can even call it that...it was more of a drug) to fill a void and over exercising to get away from reality. i was unhealthy not just physically, but emotionally as well.

there were other times in my life that food was a compulsion. i couldn't help myself and would consume way too much. or other times when it was an obsession. all i could think about was eating and how many calories were in something, so maybe, just maybe, i could free myself from the extra weight. in these instances i felt controlled by food, somehow (i don't know why) it had me in its talons and i did not know how to get out. i believe at these points in my life there was also a void. that void was eventually healed and with the healing the obsession went away.

there are countless other faces of unhealthy relationships with food, but mostly they involve over or under consumption. this can often be combined with too much or too little physical activity. i believe the root of these problems may have actually nothing to do with food. it may be control, it may be sadness, or trying to cope, or trying to compete at an advanced level. it may be our job to look a certain way or be a certain size.

so what does a "healthy" relationship with food look like? it may be different for me than it is for you. for me it is fueling my body with fresh, real, unpackaged food in moderation free of compulsion, control, or abuse.  it is combined with being active everyday.

while i think i often have it "figured out" i realize that my relationship still is not perfect. it has taken years to get to this point. it has taken finding the root of my problems and learning what works for me. i LOVE food. there is no hiding that. i find great satisfaction in eating healthy food and occasionally eating not so healthy food. but like i said; it has taken YEARS to get to this point. for me there was no quick fix, lose weight fast, 8 week program. my life had to change, the way i viewed food had to change and happily food no longer controls me and i try to no longer control or abuse it.

this healing came through understanding the following points and a lot of hard work.

2. in every relationship peoples needs are different

3. our behavior in our relationships is often learned and a product of observation

4. relationships are not stagnant

5. you are not bound

6. all relationships take WORK

7. there are trained people out there that can help

8. certain things just aren't okay

9. a good relationship is built on a goal

10. only you can decide what works for you

if you missed the introduction to this series it can be found here.

stay tuned for the remaining 9 points.

i hope this is helpful. again i am not a doctor, psychologist, expert, or dietician. i am just sharing my story in hopes that it will bring light to a problem you may be dealing with or to inspire you that there is hope and things can get better.


  1. I don't think it could have been said better. ...it was a nice read. .. Thanks

  2. Loved this anna. I really makes u think about things. Really reminded me of events I have been through. Thanks!!!

    1. glad you enjoyed it. i hope you are well. :)