12.14.2012

"THE HAPPY FAMILY"


“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together”  
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Yesterday was one of those days. You all know the ones i am talking about, the one where the weight of the world comes out of nowhere and lands right on your shoulders, you are now Atlas and by all means not as strong as he was and so the weight increases, clouds your mind and all logic. Where did this come from? why do i feel like this? What am i even feeling? The thoughts circulate, all on their own,  all of the things that may be "wrong" in your life. You were just happy a minute ago and now your world is crashing down around you. The switch was flipped, the trigger was pulled, the button was pushed, someone dropped a pebble and the "water spilt." We try to make sense of it, we filter through events in the days past, weeks past, maybe even years past that may have been the culprite, we want something to blame, if we can't find it, we may find someone, the one that said the "careless word" the one that is in closest proximity, the one that comes to our mind first.

This happened to me yesterday. My trigger got pulled and the world came crashing down. But it made no sense. I couldn't pin point the problem, i searched and searched and searched for the culprite and conjured up some "reason" in my mind, but it made no sense. I was blaming my feelings on things in my life that i love. I was tired maybe? i had to get up in the middle of the night with the little one, i began to feel resentment, but that wasn't it, i really actually enjoy the quiet solitude of night with just me and the little one, it is peaceful and i love her. that wasn't it. Certain things in my life are out of my control? well duh! hormones? most likely! i wanted something and felt like i never ask for anything? possibly.

I filtered and filtered and filtered through all of the possible reasons, none of which made sense. I cried, but why? it was heavy and strong and pressing down on me. I talked about it with the man, he then felt bad that i felt bad and i think the same "careless word" was said for him.

A little bit about me. I really dislike confrontation, i dislike any feeling besides happiness, joy, even contentment, i try very hard to maintain these feelings in my life and overall think i do a pretty good job. I think this is something we all do. We try so hard to maintain this happy appearance or this "happy family" appearance that we suppress things that may actually bother us, make us sad, or just plain annoy us. We look around and everyone else is "happy." Why are we feeling what we feel? thinking what we are thinking? Why is our life so much more difficult than theirs? We become envious, even more down. I think that social networking systems don't help with this. We now have the ability to portray our lives our families, our house, our friends, our cooking, our children, spouse, you name it, even our pets exactly how we want to. "Look at my cute cuddly puppy", that is all we see from the outside and we then look at our puppy that just pooped all over the carpet and think, wow, i wish i had that puppy! I remember one year when we had family pictures and all my mom wanted was a picture of all of her children in plain colored shirts, we all showed up and our family was joined by Che Guevara, Tom Petty,  Hurley and American Eagle. Her desire wasn't met, but she got a picture of "Our Family," all of the imperfect individuals that make it up and i have to say to this day it is my favorite of all of our family pictures because it is Real.

I feel like i have a thousand ideas running through my head, but I have been thinking so much lately about my life, others lives, how they compare and how there can be absolutely no comparison. we can't do it. We have no idea (no matter how cliche it is) what someone else is going through, we have no idea how hard it is for them to keep that smile on their face, we have no idea how hard it is for them to make ends meet, or how hard it is to keep all of that emotion packed in their hearts.

I think mostly the point of this is that in writing a blog, i often feel like i have to portray all of the things in my life that are good, and i wanted to be real, i am by all means not perfect, i have made many decisions in my life and hurt people because of them, i sin, i dislike some people, i have bad days, i cry, i get frustrated, i am not always happy, my food burns, my baby wakes up at night and i wish i could sleep, she spits up right when i get her dressed and spits up all over clean clothes, she poops through her diapers and i end up covered in pee and spit up and poop somedays, crafts i do don't turn out, i procrastinate and have dust all over my shelves and desk.  My floor hasn't been vacuumed in a week and i have dirty dishes in my sink. The list goes on, but yesterday was a rough day and it brought me back to the basics, I am not alone in this human experience, We are not alone in this human experience. Everyone has "those" days and that is okay. Yesterday was an experience i almost just watched happen, it unfolded before me and it made me realize how easy it is to place blame and to fight and to want to find an answer or a solution and the reality of it is that, there is no one to blame sometimes, sometimes there is no event to blame, it is out of our control. It just is. We are powerless and sometimes things just are the way they are and that is okay. My dad always says that eventually something has to give. Things change, and life won't always be the way it is now, it may be worse, it may be better, but it isn't perfect, we aren't perfect, but their is something really great about that.




9 comments:

  1. :( I completely agree. Everyone does try to pretend their life is perfect and its not. Motherhood is hard. Very hard sometimes! Its a big big change. You can never again be selfish. Its rough! Its super normal to have those days especially since your only 6 weeks postpartum! That haopened to me with both my kids! Its gets easier! And im supee jealous your daughter is sleeping mostly through the night bc im getting up still 3 or 4 times! Love ya!

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  2. ich finde deinen Blog immer sehr aufbauend - niemand ist perfekt und jeder versucht es aber zu sein um seine Schwächen zu schützen. Das Leben ist da um zu lernen, um Fehler zu machen, um zu lieben um schwach zu sein und um auch wieder aufstehen zu können wenn die Kraft wieder da ist. Dicke Umarmung aus Österreich!Eure Tochter ist einfach WUNDERSCHÖN!

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    1. danke, es freut mich dass du meinen blog liest! auch eine Dicke umarmung aus USA!

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  3. We've never met. But I think {I know} we'd be friends. And I'd come dust your shelves and vacuum if you'd come do mine. Cheering you on, and applauding your honesty. Real is what people love most about you... I do know that without even really knowing you! Blessings & peace sent your way~

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    1. i would love to come and dust your shelves and vacuum for you! i think we all need that every once in a while! things are going lots better and i'm learning to multi task like i didn't think was ever possible!i know we would be friends too!

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  4. Danke, dass habe ich heute gebraucht...ich kann dem gar nicht mehr hinzufügen als - So TRUE! Du bist eine tolle Frau, ich muss immer an dich denken, wenn ich die Fenster putze...die Fenster, die du gestrichen hast! Thank you and be sure you loved.

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    1. ich hatte dass so gern, die fenster zu streichen! es hat mich so gefreut das zu tun. ich dachte die ganze zeit, "i wish i lived here so manu and i could be friends!" i hoffe das es dir gut geht! schoene gruess an dir und deine familie! die kinder sind nicht mehr so klein und ich habe die kleine noch nicht gesehen! die bilder sind aber suess!

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  5. Ihr die schönste Frau der Welt, die Ihre Tochter und ich die glücklichsten Menschen überhaupt macht! Ich liebe dich!

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